One more

**I wrote this late one night when I was feeling down, so it's a little more detailed and thought out than I think my posts will normally be 😅 ** I debated on posting this, but here it is. (post is about my weekend out skiing post MRI results and but pre pre-surgery appointment with my doctor):

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Headed out for one last weekend skiing before calling it a season. Booked a few nights at the hostel there in Leadville, in order to stay up in the mountains for as long as I could before having to stay a few months in Denver. Went out for a short tour at Mayflower Gulch on our way out to Leadville on Friday. I remember thinking on the skin up ‘this feels fine, and doesn’t require any twisting motion. I wonder if post op I could somehow find a way to just skin up and then ride a chair lift down?!”. I was consciously aware of the way my quads felt as they worked with every step as I skinned up. I knew this would be their last uphill for quite some time. The snow conditions were not the best, so we only ended up doing one lap. We ripped skins and clicked in to ski back.

However, after I had transitioned, I was immediately aware that my confidence in my left leg had greatly decreased. It took some time to build up confidence for those first few turns since receiving the MRI results. To clarify, I had no pain in my knee.  I haven’t had any pain while skiing ever since the initial fall. You can ski on a torn ACL, the risk of injury is just higher. And I was willing to take that risk for a few more times on skis.

 I had never felt like that before… so unconfident in something so simple I had done so many times before. A simple, low angle slope now seemed super daunting. Just a few weeks ago, I was out skiing couloirs (which I was unaware of my ACL at the time!). It was very interesting to so easily see in myself the direct effect of how words can mess with you mentally. I also blame the terrible snow conditions at Mayflower :P

However, the next day at Vail was a whole different story, with amazing snow might I add! I met up with my group of ski partners- Lars, Ben, and Joel. Being with such great friends that day made me feel like everything was going to be just fine, nothing to worry about or even that I had all of these torn and partially torn ligaments floating about in my knee… ick. My knee felt great, and my confidence came back after a few runs in the backbowls. “Are you sure your knee is hurt?” Joel asked.

I kept to the easier routes down while the others went and found the hidden powder in the trees. That’s ok. I was on skis, and I was happy to see them come flying down with smiles on their faces. After all, I was smiling ear to ear with them as well.

I was conscious the whole day of how my knee and was ready to stop if it told me so. I did have a few ‘gives’ when I was turning right, (bent to the inside), which was a reminder for me that something is not right inside and to not push the limits (not that I was out to push them anyways!).

The weather got cloudy, windy, and much colder and I didn’t want to risk skiing in such low light and visibility, so we made our way back to the front side of Vail. We took a fun run back to the base, the one that we always take. I definitely took advantage and made way too many turns on such a simple blue groomer run… 😆

Back at the base, It took me a moment to click out of my skis since I couldn’t really see with the tears watering up in my eyes. But after a big hug from one of my closets of friends, I gathered myself, took a good look around, and thanked Vail for a short but wonderful ski season.