Day 4

**Fair warning, I'm half an optimist and half realist in my thinking. It's just how I've learned to deal with things. I don't let negative thoughts get to me, but I do let reality thoughts in. And I see nothing wrong with that. So no need to think I am 'losing motivation' or 'giving up' when in fact it's quite the opposite, for me, personally, in my own life. It is different for everybody.**

Pain in the morning: 1
Pain in the evening: 0

I woke up this morning hoping to be able to get out and about for a short bit... but I soon found out that was not going to be the case. I hadn't iced all night (granted it was elevated all night) but PT combined with no ice led to a swollen, and mildly aching knee this morning. Whether it was actually from no icing or just moving it at PT, I'm not sure. Went downstairs to grab breakfast and coffee and prepped for a full day in my room with my laptop and ice therapy machine (which btw- is a lifesaver. I could not imagine icing without it, given my room is upstairs and kitchen downstairs).

Today was mentally hard (and I'm certain of many more to come), particularly due to a few combining factors:

-When I woke up and saw/felt my knee really not any better than yesterday, it was a reality hit as to just how slow and long this recovery is going to take. This injury will be with me and on my mind every single day, for a good year atleast.

-It was a gorgeous 80 degree Saturday, and I couldn't even simply stand out in the sun due to the throbbing when I stood up. The few times I did walk around my house, I wanted so badly to be able to just take a few steps on my own and not rely on something else (afterall I did have more confidence in my knee today as opposed to yesterday, so thats a plus!). I love the crutches as they allow me to get around, but I also really dislike relying on something other than my own physical strength to get around. Out of all the athletes who go through an ACL tear, I'm certain I am not the only one to feel this way. But I know looking back here, the time on crutches will seem so very, very minimal.

-My dad, mom and sister all left early in the morning with things to do, and how I wanted to hop in my Xterra go about my own way as well. I wanted to move, do my physical therapy exercises, go up and down stairs, progress in some way... but my swollen and tender knee was telling me otherwise, and I had no other choice than to just lay in bed and ice. I elevated and iced for hours, 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off. I used the timer on my phone and it reached the point where my internal timer would go off within 1-2 minutes of the timer on my phone.

Some types of pain you push through, and other types you don't. Today's progress was going to be made off of my feet, and its hard when you are so used to progress being on your feet.

About 75% of my weight on my left leg, still a little wobbly for 100%. I know I know- patience. It's only 4 days post op. 

Working on some muscle flexion, atleast I don't have to be on my feet for this one!